Jeff Cross

Am I “The Starving Artist”?!

// December 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Personal

A starving artist, living in a loft apartment/studio, always working, creating wondrous works of art, staying up late, sleeping off and on throughout the day. Like a mad scientist on the brink of the next greatest scientific discovery. Always focused on the end result of the creation, never taking his eyes off of it long enough to face that he is alone and truly unfulfilled.

He receives praise from the public for his work. There are exhibitions displaying his work, he makes his appearance, and then he’s back to the lair. If he stays busy enough he won’t have to face reality and the loneliness that he wears like a wet suit, so close and almost a part of his very being. The busier he stays, the opportunity he has for dealing with past hurts or for having to explain and face his emotions is drastically decreased. Always lying to himself and saying “I’ll make time for a social life tomorrow” but that tomorrow never comes. He’s slowly become an introvert. A drastic difference from the once outgoing socialite he was.

When he leaves the hideout he barely recognizes what’s become of the outside world. So much has changed while he’s been tucked away in the safety of his padded and protected world. He doesn’t stay out long. He’s too vulnerable while outside of the protection of his work. While he’s out he thinks he is part of the “real world”. He plays the role, bumping elbows with the right people, making appearances when and where necessary. However, internally he longs for the comfort of his work. He longs to be behind closed doors preoccupied with anything that can keep his mind off of the past, the present, and where he’ll be in the near or distant future.

He’s good at certain things and focuses all of his energy on that. He wants to continue to excel at these things. Why try things that you don’t do well at?! Consistency does not count when failure is the repeated outcome. He just remains focused… focused… focused… Focused on everything but the things which truly matters. He’s living with an escape, day and night. It truly comforts him as a blanket and the warmth of a fireplace does one in the cold of winter. Honestly, the cold of winter is what he walks in daily, minute by minute. It’s so cold, he’s become numb and can’t see the slow decay that the frostbite is causing to the delicate tissue of his personality, emotional state, and his very soul… eventually working its way from the inside out devouring his very physical being.

Is it a dream or a reality?! I hope I wake up soon from this deadly slumber… I toss and turn, determined to break this cycle, hoping to never rest in this coffin of complacency and solitude again. The destiny of this type of existence is to die alone… Wake up…

Until next time…

How do you define success?!

// October 18th, 2009 // 8 Comments » // Personal, Photo

Alternate Title: What’s The Difference Between a House and a Home?!

I’ve done a lot of soul searching the past 48 days as most of you know, or have read. My thought process and perception of things has change drastically in just this, realistically, brief period of time. In my reality, the 48 days seems like an eternity. But, I suppose that is what it takes for things to be revealed to me and for me to apply them to my daily life, in the now, and prepare myself for future encounters should they so happen to cross my path.

Our whole lives we’ve seen what society defines as “successful” and what they see as “under privileged”. I’ve had a huge misconception of what success was, even what a happy home or family life was, based on what I’ve seen, been raised around, and how the media and society as a whole have portrayed the “perfect life”. Since I was 16 years old and began working, I have strived, no, worked my ass off to obtain this so called “success” and have hoped and prayed that it would someday yield me happiness, a comfortable lifestyle, and God willing, a family, and a true “home”.

Well, unfortunately, it’s 16 years later and I have none of the things I expected would land in my lap based on overworking myself at a day job and hustling on the side to provide, to get ahead, and make things comfortable for those around me: those I love, care about, want to spend time with, family, friends, etc. All I have done is acquire things that have no lasting value and I have lost meaningful relationships along the way because I thought I was doing the “right thing” by working myself to an early death and letting everyone else swim around in the “bacon” I was bringing home.

Well, in the process of this pursuit of happiness, I have somehow along the way lost everything. Everything that would have mattered in the end or the rest of my life anyway. This takes me back to an e-mail I was sent on September 3rd, 2009 from a person whom I highly value and desperately sought after their approval:

“…You will be/are a very successful man and you will succeed beyond what you will ever expect! I’m sure of it!”

Sounds encouraging, huh?! Man! Who wouldn’t want to succeed beyond what you ever expected! Well, it all depends on how you define success. My response to that was as follows:

“…Success to me would be defined as being a part of a”family”. [Having] A loving, caring, and supportive wife. [Having] Children to watchgrow up, attend their ball games, school functions, etc. [Taking] Family vacations, experiencing the world, scenes, locations, etc. all without having to worry about ‘what bill is due this month’.”

See?! I’ve been trying to do one thing, work hard and acquire “wealth”, to achieve another. And, all the while, it has been like a catch 22 for me. I work hard to keep everyone happy and in place but in the process, my work causes me to neglect the very people, hopes, and dreams I am working so hard to please and keep alive. By me not being available physically or emotionally, I have rejected people, pushed them away, caused them to eventually emotionally detach themselves from me and then I am basically left with, well, nothing… I’m left to pick up the pieces and start over again (which, if you’ll read my previous post will never be the same process).

After giving the above communication some more thought, I sent the following e-mail, again in reply to the first statement:

“Success is coming home from a long days work, opening the garage and seeing a [Color/Year/Make/Model of a vehicle] parked inside. That’s where the heart begins to “pidder-patter”…

Then, walking in the house and hearing “Jeah” from [A Child attempting to say 'Jeff'] screamed across the house as loud as he can.

Looking over at a beautiful woman preparing a wonderful meal and [me] setting the island up for a 3-person meal in “family” style…

No, that is success. That’s what it’s like to have arrived! To be on top of the world!”

And, for those of you who read this and believe that my above definition of “success” is unrealistic, I actually had this. On an almost daily basis. So, can it be obtained?! You bet it can! But, it takes two people to make it work, to understand what the costs are, to determine what they are willing to sacrifice in order to gain in another area, etc. It’s a team base effort… A relationship will always take two, in the good times, the bad times, the successes, and the failures.

So, stop and think to yourself what your definition of success is. You may need to rethink and rewrite that definition. Not only to better achieve your true heart’s desire in the future, but to hold on to what you possess at the moment. Just because you have the biggest house on the block does not mean you have a “home”! A happy and fulfilling home life is much more than a street address…

Until next time…

* The above photo is of my formal dining room. It has probably been used twice in the 6 years I have lived in this house. You can view the above image large and on a black background by clicking here.

Sometimes it is too late…

// October 4th, 2009 // No Comments » // Music, Personal, Video

Sometimes it is too late… Sometimes it’s hard to swallow, but it’s a fact of life…

You know, there are times when “I’m sorry” just won’t cut it any more. No matter the reasoning behind whatever was done that warranted the apology. No matter the number of times the deed that one is sorry for is committed, sometimes it’s just not enough anymore.

I think this song hits the nail on the head lyrically. Of course, it’s also a very moving jam by Timbaland and OneRepublic which I think most people out there will agree with, regardless of your musical preference. I believe my favorite lyric of the song is the following:

“I’d take another chance, take a fall,
And, I need you like a heart needs a beat, But, it’s nothing new…”

I have always tried to give completely. I’ve made mistakes, yes, but I have always given everything I had to give at the time. I’ve done some things that I’m not proud of, some that I regret terribly, and some that if possible, I’d take back altogether… But, more on all of this later…

I really just wanted to blog about this song. I like it… It moves me… I think it is great, truthful, and how so many relationships, be them intimate, business, personal, or otherwise, go/end up. So, if you want to listen to the song and watch the video above, feel free. Otherwise, expect a lot more from me, a different me, in the very near future.

Until next time…