Jeff Cross

Am I “The Starving Artist”?!

// December 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Personal

A starving artist, living in a loft apartment/studio, always working, creating wondrous works of art, staying up late, sleeping off and on throughout the day. Like a mad scientist on the brink of the next greatest scientific discovery. Always focused on the end result of the creation, never taking his eyes off of it long enough to face that he is alone and truly unfulfilled.

He receives praise from the public for his work. There are exhibitions displaying his work, he makes his appearance, and then he’s back to the lair. If he stays busy enough he won’t have to face reality and the loneliness that he wears like a wet suit, so close and almost a part of his very being. The busier he stays, the opportunity he has for dealing with past hurts or for having to explain and face his emotions is drastically decreased. Always lying to himself and saying “I’ll make time for a social life tomorrow” but that tomorrow never comes. He’s slowly become an introvert. A drastic difference from the once outgoing socialite he was.

When he leaves the hideout he barely recognizes what’s become of the outside world. So much has changed while he’s been tucked away in the safety of his padded and protected world. He doesn’t stay out long. He’s too vulnerable while outside of the protection of his work. While he’s out he thinks he is part of the “real world”. He plays the role, bumping elbows with the right people, making appearances when and where necessary. However, internally he longs for the comfort of his work. He longs to be behind closed doors preoccupied with anything that can keep his mind off of the past, the present, and where he’ll be in the near or distant future.

He’s good at certain things and focuses all of his energy on that. He wants to continue to excel at these things. Why try things that you don’t do well at?! Consistency does not count when failure is the repeated outcome. He just remains focused… focused… focused… Focused on everything but the things which truly matters. He’s living with an escape, day and night. It truly comforts him as a blanket and the warmth of a fireplace does one in the cold of winter. Honestly, the cold of winter is what he walks in daily, minute by minute. It’s so cold, he’s become numb and can’t see the slow decay that the frostbite is causing to the delicate tissue of his personality, emotional state, and his very soul… eventually working its way from the inside out devouring his very physical being.

Is it a dream or a reality?! I hope I wake up soon from this deadly slumber… I toss and turn, determined to break this cycle, hoping to never rest in this coffin of complacency and solitude again. The destiny of this type of existence is to die alone… Wake up…

Until next time…

Empty…

// December 21st, 2009 // No Comments » // Music, Personal, Video

“Well I looked my demons in the eyes, lay bare my chest said do your best to destroy me.

I’ve been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kinda bore me…”

“There’s a lot of things that can kill a man. There’s a lot of ways to die. Yes, and some already did and walk beside me. There’s a lot of things I don’t understand. So many people lie. It’s the hurt I hide that fuels The fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?! So empty?! So estranged?!”

I’m being repurposed…

// October 16th, 2009 // 6 Comments » // Personal, Photo

I don’t know how else to say it…

“Oh I got my hands up to take your aim,
Yes I’m ready,
There aint nothing that we can’t go through,
Oh and hit me like a hurricane,
When you left me,
But I’d do it all again for you,
I’d would walk a thousand miles on broken glass,
It won’t stop me,
From making my way back to you,
It’s not real until,
You feel the pain,
And nothing ever hurt like you…”

– James Morrison / Nothing Ever Hurt Like You

I’ve been through a lot the past 3 years. I’ve taken on burdens that were not mine to carry. I’ve realized that I hadn’t forgiven myself for some things in the past. I’ve also recognized that I have made some pretty unfortunate decisions many times over based on fears from my past. So, basically I have put myself into this whirlwind of self-destruction that has not only negatively affected those around me, but has completely devastated me in the process.

I’ve been to the highest of highs and I’ve been to what I thought were the lowest of lows until 46 days ago. I was forced to take a long hard look at myself, what I was doing, and who I was doing it for. The unfortunate thing is that it had to eventually and finally cost me something that you can’t put a price tag on. There aren’t enough “dollars and cents” in this cruel world that can replace the things I have destroyed by my own two hands. What I used to think was a large amount of debt, a looming mortgage, or a struggle to make ends meet will never compare to the cost I have paid in my life because of my own fear-driven mistakes.

I’ve been broken before… Hell, who hasn’t. But, I’ve put the pieces back together so many times and tried to basically be the same –me– that I was before the last fall so many times that this time I have finally realized that there aren’t enough pieces to even fashion a sinfully ugly resemblance of what I used to be or know in my heart that I can and want to be. No, this time, I’m just going to be broken for a while…

I’ve done a lot of soul searching, sought the counsel of others, read online and offline materials, cried out to God, wept like a little school girl, and have finally realized that it is time for me to get out of the way and allow myself to be “repurposed”. I have discovered that I have tried to take 100% of the blame for certain situations. I have taken on responsibilities that were not mine to bear. I haven’t communicated properly with others. I have worked, hard, only to realize that I was becoming enslaved to a lifestyle that I thought everyone would appreciate and enjoy, and boy was I wrong… Dead Wrong!

I have grieved the past 46 days. I have actually felt the emotion of “grief” and I can honestly say this: If I have ever grieved before in my life, it was never like this or for this long. Some may not believe that, but I have felt the biggest void in the upper left portion of my chest than I believe I have ever felt in my whole life. I can only imagine it is so heavy because everything I have been running from, through, over, and under from the past 3 years was finally dumped on me all at one time… It hit me like a ton of bricks. It hit me so hard I haven’t been able to get up… And, you know what?! I don’t want to… not yet…

As much pain as I have had to face lately, I have also been able to just lay here… refocus… see the error in my ways… pinpoint where I have been on the wrong path… My eyes have so been open to things I never knew could even exist in a person, much less “perfect little” me, or so I thought…

I’ve seen selfishness when I thought I was a very caring and giving person… I’ve seen where I have rejected people and caused them to emotionally disconnect… I’ve seen where I have made numerous knee-jerk decisions out of past fears… I have asked for forgiveness from others but carried guilt around like a plow buried deep within the earth… I’ve asked others for forgiveness but couldn’t forgive myself… and, if I can’t forgive myself, how can I ever expect to really “walk away from”, or deal with these things that continue to plague me and entrap me in this vicious circle of self-destructive behavior?!

So, I’m done… I’m through being me… I should say, I’m through being the old me. My true core will still be intact, but the way I walk the rest of this life I’ve been blessed with will be in a totally different manner and a totally different direction. I never thought I could get so close to what I had hoped and dreamed of for so long, yet had screwed up time and time again, only to let it slip through my hands once more for the same selfish, fear-based reasons… I’m done… My eyes have been opened and I will never see things the same way again… I just can’t…

–So, a quick recap and then some good news for those of you that have made it this far:

Am I hurt?! Oh yeah! Have I poured out my heart on deaf ears?! I’m afraid I have… Have I made and admitted mistakes?! You bet!!! Did I bring this on myself?! In whole or in large part, YES!!!

Good Part: From now on, this blog will be for the positive advances of my life! They my be truthful and a little touchy for me, and you, but I hope that the way I am coping and dealing with my situation will encourage others to at least take a brief moment to inspect themselves as I am looking in the mirror at myself.

I have an anonymous place to express my heart cries now. This will be the last post that will probably go as deep as this one, at  least on a personal level like this. So, I hope you’ll come back, read some more of my “relentless rambling” about personal type things as well as any other posts I will be posting related to photography, music, technology, etc.

So, consider yourselves saved! You’ve read a very “high-level” view of the last 46 days of my life. And, guess what! I’ll have good days from here on out and I’ll have some rougher days, I’m sure. But, I am preparing myself to not only better handle those situations, but to strive to be the best person I can be from this point forward and better respond to and quickly work to make changes to any mistakes I will make along the way…

In closing, I apologize to anyone and everyone who has been caught up in this violent storm that has been my life the over last few years. Nobody deserved to be involved or affected by it. None of y’all could have ever seen the past happenings coming, least of all me… So, let’s all make the most of this day forward!

Until next time…

* You can view the above image large and on a black background by clicking here.